149.)
Have you ever loved me? Have you ever being happy with me? Or was I this kind of “perfect girl” all the people you know kept yelling at you that you must grab? Have you really pictured me as the mother of your children? Or was I the kind of trail you needed to do before happiness? Have you ever proud of being my husband? Have you ever happy with my gains? Have you ever desired me as I wished I deserved? Have you ever respected me as the woman I thought I should be? I am broken in thousand times. I am ashamed as I never thought I’d be. I am lost. I lost my center. I lost my heart. I am afraid I will not be able to love again. I am done. I am living one day after another. I am drinking all wine I can bear. I am smoking until I can not breathe. I am reading all the books I had not finished until now. I am praying to be someone nicer and better than I am. I am trying to be the most stronger than I can be. I am not sure I can deal with it at all. I want to be alone, but I can not handle all this by myself. People are being so nice to me, but I am not sure I deserve their kindness. Shame on me! I did not know it was coming. Why not? Was I too romantic? Or to silly? Why do I have to pass trough all of it? I did not want to get stronger. If I did, I would come back to pilates class. The marriage was so real to me. I thought we were meant to be. That we were perfect matches and would pass through every problem that could knock on “our” door. I thought I could make you bigger and more mature. I believed if we could not make each other happy enough we would work on that, and even later, if it did not work out, we would be friends for ever. Respecting all the love we felt, watching each others life as if we were best friends, praying to see the other as happier as we wanted to be. Clearly, I got it all wrong. Shame on me again! I am so disappointed. I never thought you could be this kind of man to me. I was such a child. I thought you’d be the one who would take care of me. That I could be naked in my soul and you would be there for me, no mater what happened. As a man, as “my man”. As the one who took me from my father’s arms. I believed you cared about me, in a total higher and bigger way. Not only as your wife. I have all the defects a woman can have. I was not ever in a perfect shape, I have problems at work, I needed things to be organized as I wished, I was in bad mood some times, I was pushing you to have these kinds of deep talks you did not want to have. I was pushing you to grow faster than you could. Bad thoughts pass through my mind and I pray to the angels to keep them far away. This is not working properly today. What can I do? I do not have enough tears to cry. This time you left me nothing. Even the power of healing you is gone. Ok, I got it. You are not “the one”. Thanks for sharing. I must say I am broken.
